How To Cope With Toxic Parents

It was bound to happen. I don’t know why I had convinced myself that it would not. After all, April 5th comes around every year. My Dad’s birthday. And with that date comes the dilemma. Should I call? Should I just send a card? Should I respect my Mom’s wishes and pretend I don’t exist? Should I continue to protect myself against their toxicity or push the envelope to see how far I have recovered?

In a recent post about self doubt I referred to ‘toxic friends’. Since that time I have received many inquiries about toxic parents. I am not an expert on this topic but I do have an experienced understanding of what it is like to try and maintain good mental health while dealing with toxic parents.

Take last weekend for example. My Dad’s birthday. I did call him. He wasn’t home. I left a message. He did call me back. A short conversation revolving around birthday wishes and his birthday trip to South Florida. As always with these conversations, I feel short changed somehow and compelled to ask for more. I called my Dad back and mentioned (again) that he is always welcome to stop by (they live fifteen minutes from me). His response was “I know, but I don’t want to upset your mother”.

A year ago that slap to my extended hand would have set me back for at least three months. On this day, I placed the phone back in it’s cradle. Admonished my self for 1/2 a day for calling back. Then I resumed my life.

How was I able to build up such a strong barrier of immunization against my toxic parents’ hurtful ways? How am I able to continue to protect myself and my family from the fallout (see negative emotions below) that used to occur from being around them and or even just talking with them over the phone?
There is no easy answer. The results that work for each of us are unique and derived mainly from trial and error. However, for all of us coping with toxic parents, there remains a constant truth. Having toxic parents creates situations that we cannot change.
The best way I have learned to handle things that I cannot change is to practice acceptance. Acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance means accepting the way things are without insisting that they should be different, and deciding to get on with your life in spite of the situation.
I really like this statement suggested by The Foundation for Life Sciences:
Acceptance.
This is how it is.
Not how it:
• was
• might have been
• should have been
Not how I:
• want it to be
• hoped it would be
• planned it to be
I accept that this is how it is.
And now I will get on with my life in a positive way.
Like anything else. The ability to cope with toxic parents and accepting that you cannot change their behaviors….takes practice. And this practice may not produce visible results for quite some time. However, ridding yourself of the fallout (the negative emotions) from dealing with toxic parents:
• the anger
• the depression
• the frustration
• the sadness
will hopefully provide enough incentive necessary to accept and move on with your life. One statement. One step. At a time.

For more on this topic click here.

Don’t forget, if there is a question that you would like to have answered or a topic you would like to have discussed, be sure to email me at dbeverlyhills@gmail.com. All questions will remain anonymous. All answers will be sprinkled with my perspective.