Do You Have An Approval Addiction?

Whether it be from your spouse, your boss, your friend, even complete strangers, it is human nature to want to be appreciated. To receive validation and approval. However, is it possible to become addicted to approval? Is it possible to succumb to the ‘disease to please’?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you obsessed with what other people think about you?
• Are you afraid to rock the boat?
• Is it difficult for you to know what you want?
• Do you find yourself saying yes when you desperately want to say ‘no’?
• Do you feel guilty when someone does not approve of something you are doing?
• Is it hard for you to express your feelings when they are different from someone you are close to?
• Does your happiness depend on the approval of others?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, it may be time to kick the ‘approval addiction’. To replace draining habits with nurturing habits.

I am still working on kicking my own ‘approval addiction’. However, I am happy to say that I am further along in my recovery now, than several years ago. Several years ago I was much like a chameleon, changing into whomever the situation required me to be.

Here are a few of the ‘first steps’ I took towards where I am today in my recovery:

• I practiced saying ‘no’. This was difficult at first. In fact the first big ‘no’ was life changing. I said ‘no’ to continuing to breathe new life into a seven year small business venture. The positive things that happened out of that first ‘no’ certainly provided the incentive to keep on saying ‘no’. The more I continue to say no and focus on what is important to me (and my family) the easier it becomes and the less guilt I feel.
• I took the time to discover what brings me pleasure. This was also difficult because so much of myself was lost in what I thought others wanted me to be. I was so far gone that even the books I read were because I thought I ’should’, even though I may have hated reading them. Even my home was not my home. How could I make my house my home when I didn’t even know who ‘I’ was? Taking the time to discover what brings you pleasure is not something that happens overnight. It has taken me several years of working through the layers of my ‘chameleon self ‘ to get to the point where I can truthfully say ‘wow, I love that color, I think I’ll paint a room that color’ or ‘I love reading ‘gardening’ books – perhaps I’ll grow a garden’.
• I began asking for help. Not just with the daily tasks of home or work, but also with changing my negative habits of addiction into positive nurturing habits. Find yourself an accountability partner. For me it was my husband – always my biggest fan and greatest supporter. He always reminds me that I should trust myself by commenting: ‘Why do you care what they think, they are not that important”, “Is that something you really want to do?” or my favorite “If you love that color than that’s the the color we’ll paint it”.

However my all time favorite is something I read by Jack Zavada:

Most people are extremely self-centered.

You can prove that’s true by looking at yourself. If you were to keep track of all the hundreds of thoughts you have on a typical day, the vast majority of them, perhaps 90 percent, would be about yourself. “How am I going to…?” “What did he think of me when I…?” “I wonder if I made her angry when I…?”

Get the picture? Much of our thought-life is filled with “I’s” and “me’s”. That’s just the way we are.

But here’s the good part about that truth: Other people are the same way! They’re not as concerned about you as you think. They’re mostly concerned about themselves. We put way too much emphasis on what others think about us. Like you, when they are thinking about other people, it’s mainly in relation to themselves. This knowledge can be a major tool in helping you break the cycle of approval addiction.

Suddenly you understand that the approval of others isn’t as important as you once thought, because they may be trying to manipulate you to make themselves feel more powerful or in control. You realize that you don’t have to give them that authority over you.

As a believer, you have God’s approval. While the approval of other people might be reassuring or desirable, it is not necessary for your completeness.

You will gain a sense of strength and fulfillment when you obey God. God loves your obedience. And the more you love God, the more you will want to obey him. Obeying God can often lead to the approval of people, but we don’t obey God because we’re worried about what others think. We obey God out of love and gratitude for him and for Jesus’ sacrifice for us.

When we choose to imitate Jesus, we spend less and less time trying to influence what others think, and more time rejoicing over our approval and acceptance by God.

As you follow Christ and walk in his ways, your confidence grows. The Holy Spirit convicts you of God’s love for you. You come to see that staying faithful to God is what matters. The approval of others may come and go, but God’s love is solid, unconditional, and everlasting.

Jack Zavada

Don’t forget, if there is a question that you would like to have answered or a topic you would like to have discussed, be sure to email me at dbeverlyhills@gmail.com. All questions will remain anonymous. All answers will be sprinkled with my perspective.